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| Alex |
When I thought about the night before, I was happy how casual Håkan had been about me seeing him and Alex have sex. It totally fit with how casual he had been about his nudity. It must have been a cultural difference, I thought.
And then there was the obvious physical attraction. A few weeks had passed since I found out that Niklas was in a long-term committed relationship with a woman and had probably never seen me in the same light as I had seen him. And as devastating as it had been, having Håkan close to me had really helped. Though last night I was feeling the physical chemistry between us. I felt slightly awkward about it since I was living with him and his husband. A husband who had a history of physical abuse.
I lay in bed thinking about this for a while and decided to keep more distance between me and Håkan but to retain our friendship. In the end I decided to get up and jumped into some shorts.
I walked to the living area and noticed no-one was in the kitchen, which was unusual. Usually Håkan was up and ready to make breakfast for everyone. I saw Alex sitting on the sofa, reading something. I had seen him before he noticed me. Looking him up and down I realized I saw him in a different light as well. Objectively good-looking as he was in his grey sweater, and as friendly he had been throughout my stay, I realized I felt a bit uncomfortable being around him now.
“Hi”, I said, “good morning!”
“Hey!”, Alex looked up and smiled at me. “Had a good time last night?”
“Yeah, absolutely!”
Alex asked me where we had gone and who we were with. When I said Joakim’s and John’s names, he smiled in silence and nodded.
“Did anything happen?”
I wasn’t sure what he meant.
“No. It was just a fun night.”
“OK, good. It’s just… Håkan seemed quite out of it.”
I chuckled.
“Maybe he drank a little much”, I shrugged.
Another short silence.
“I hope we didn’t wake you coming back?”, I said.
He smiled.
“Don’t worry about that.”
I realized I was standing there uncomfortably talking to him. I decided to continue my walk to the kitchen.
“Do you want anything?”, I asked.
“Thanks, but that’s OK. I should get ready for my tennis meet.”
I started to make myself some breakfast as Alex went into the bedroom to get changed. I reminded myself that Alex had been getting help for about a year now and that Håkan had insisted he was getting better. I shouldn’t get uncomfortable around him.
Not much later Alex came back out, quickly grabbed a banana and some bottled water from the fridge and was on his way out. He was wearing his tennis outfit again.
“Have fun!”, I said.
“Thanks!”
He smiled his beautiful smile at me and he was gone.
I had some breakfast by myself at the kitchen counter. I decided to make Håkan some breakfast after all those weeks where he had done so for me. I put everything on a tray and carefully walked to Alex and Håkan’s bedroom. The door was open. Håkan was naked, lying on top of the covers on the far side of the bed, his ass facing up. His face was turned away from me, yet I could hear a light snoring.
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| Håkan |
I slowly walked around the bed. His legs were spread wide, his dick pointing down between them. He seemed to have a morning erection. His spread legs almost made me able to see his hole. I walked to the other side of the bed and crouched down, his face now inches from mine. I slowly caressed his back with the tips of fingers. He didn’t stir. I touched his butt, very gently. The snoring continued. His arm was hanging off the bed and was touching the floor. I took his arm and felt how limp it was in my hand. I gently shook it and whispered, “Håkan?”
“Hmmm? Älskling?”
“I made you some breakfast.”
“Huh?”
Håkan opened his eyes to look at me and smiled.
“Hey. Good morning.”
“Good morning”, his raspy voice replied.
He turned over and sat up, his hard cock slapping against his belly. It was thick and long, foreskin still covering the head.
I tried to nonchalantly walk back to the bedside table like nothing was strange. He saw the tray.
“You are so sweet! Is so nice.”
When I arrived at the tray I wanted to hand him some juice.
“No, is OK. I come to kitchen.”
He got up and walked to the wardrobe. His cock swayed back and forth in front of him. He bent over to open a drawer, took out some underwear and put it on. He positioned his hard cock diagonally against his hip, making his briefs bulge out far.
I found this a very hot spectacle to watch and I’m pretty sure I was just standing there watching him, maybe even with my mouth open. He chuckled and gave me a wink.
“Let’s go eat!”, he said, which snapped me out of it.
I sat next to him as he ate what I had made him. When I told him I had already eaten, he seemed embarrassed. We talked about the night before. I said I would love to go back to Secret Garden and had had a great time.
“Michael?”, he suddenly asked, looking at me with a serious face.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t be scared for Alex. He is doing very good. The thing you saw is… is nothing. Forget about it. What Joakim say, is not the Alex of today. He work very hard to be the man he is and I’m very proud. I’m very happy. I love Alex very much all this time and I want him to get better for so long. And I not want you to worry.”
I smiled. This is just what I needed to hear.
“Thank you so much for telling me. I promise I won’t let it affect how I feel about him.”
“Good”, Håkan said, as he rubbed my back and smiled at me.
Even when we talked about his husband, the chemistry was there. I couldn’t help but wonder if they had an arrangement that they could sleep with other people. But then I reminded myself that I had to focus on just being friends with Håkan.
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| Håkan |
When Alex came home from tennis, Håkan immediately sat up straight. They gave each other a quick peck on the mouth. Håkan then offered to make Alex something to eat or drink.
“I would love a glass of wine, actually”, Alex said as he walked to the bedroom to change.
Håkan immediately got up and made a glass of wine and set it down for his husband.
After what he had said earlier, I was starting to realize that it was Håkan who was scared of Alex.
In the following week, when we walked back from the gym together, I asked Håkan about it.
“You act differently when Alex is around”, I said.
I named some examples of why I felt that way.
“Are you sure that you feel safe around him?”
Håkan walked in silence for a while.
“I think I still am the way I was being in the past”, he said eventually.
I nodded.
“You’re still getting used to a new Alex?”
“Yes. And was hard to trust, you know. And when Niklas ask if you come stay, Alex say he can prove he is better now.”
“Do you feel like he’s proving that?”
I saw hesitation, but he replied, “Yes. Is time I also change.”
We entered the apartment building, but Håkan wasn’t done yet.
“In the past, Alex get angry when I have close friends. He jealous that I maybe cheating.”
I nodded. Now I understood even more.
“I get it. I just want to say I think you’re really brave for seeing this through and it’s understandable it’s taking you some time to trust again. Don’t feel rushed by me asking questions.”
He smiled and went in for a hug while we were in the elevator.
“You very sweet”, he said as I felt his strong arms around me.
That night, Alex, Håkan and I had a great time at dinner. Håkan was getting more involved in the conversation and I loved it. I could tell they loved each other a lot. I had no reason to believe there was anything wrong in their relationship. Even if I did see Alex have such aggressive sex with Håkan, that night it was hard to picture him as anything but a gentle giant, with his friendly smile and smart conversation.
That Friday, Alex went to a colleague’s farewell party after work. Håkan and I continued to binge watch our show on Netflix. We got comfortable in our underwear and cuddled up close together with a blanket. It was great to feel so close to him and I imagined this is what gay friendships could be like. His warm body next to mine made me feel happy and fuzzy inside. I told myself that I was doing a good job of keeping our relationship nothing more than friendship.
At one point I woke up and realized I had fallen asleep while watching the show. I was sitting up and Håkan had his head in my lap as he was on his side on the sofa. I heard soft snoring coming from him. The blanket had fallen to the floor. I saw the remote control next to me and clicked to pause the show.
I heard someone clear their throat and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I looked to my right and Alex was sitting in the chair, wearing a nice shirt and dress pants and shoes. He was sipping on what looked like a glass of Scotch.
“Had a cozy night in?”, he whispered, smiling.
All of a sudden I was terrified. Håkan was still sleeping.
“We must have fallen asleep”, I said.
“That is what it looks like”, was his whispered reply. Another sip.
“I should go to bed”, I said.
“Yeah, I’ll put this sleepy boy to bed as well”, Alex said as he set down his glass and got up.
He walked to the sofa and gently tapped Håkan on the shoulder.
“Håkan? Vakna upp…”
Håkan moaned softly. Alex took Håkan’s arm and slowly pulled him up. Håkan let it happen. Alex put Håkan’s arm around his neck so he could walk him to the bedroom.
“Good night”, Alex whispered to me. I watched Håkan’s underwear-clad ass slowly walk away.
“Good night”, I replied.
Was I again scared of Alex without good reason? Or were there really still two sides to this guy? I walked to my own bedroom and thought about it for a while. Though soon enough I fell back asleep.
“Michael?”
I was dreaming of Håkan lying next to me in bed, whispering my name. Until I realized it wasn’t actually a dream.
“Michael?”
I opened my eyes. Håkan was standing next to the bed, fully naked. There was a small gash on his forehead that seemed to be bleeding. He was breathing heavily and his hair was wet.
“Wha-what happened?”
“I… we… I’m scared.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Alex, he… he was drinking and…”
Now I sat up.
“Did he do something to you?”
Håkan nodded.
“He dangerous.”
“Should we leave?”
I saw him tear up but he nodded.
I was impressed with myself how fast I was thinking. Even though it was the middle of the night, I ordered an Uber, gave Håkan some of my clothes to wear even though they didn’t fit him, put some clothes on myself. I put more clothes, my phone, charger and wallet in my gym bag and then very quietly left the apartment with Håkan. I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest but I had been thinking clearly. Håkan seemed pretty much in shock and wasn’t speaking in full sentences. As we sat in the Uber, he looked out the window, sat still and said nothing. Now that the blood had dried up, the gash didn’t look as bad.
“Should we go to the hospital?”, I asked him.
He turned his head and looked at me. He shook his head no.
We drove to the Sheraton Hotel, which was centrally located and the only hotel I knew about in Stockholm. There was someone manning the desk who was able to get us a room. It was very expensive but in the moment I didn’t care. I had the clarity to ask the reception clerk for a large Band-Aid or something similar, which he happily provided.
The room was actually very nice and luxurious. Håkan took off the clothes I had given him and laid in the bed as he silently cried. I locked the door as well as I could. I decided to also take off my clothes down to my underwear and I laid next to him and held him. I felt Håkan’s arms around me tightly as he quietly sobbed. I felt sad, a little scared and just empty. And also, powerless. I couldn’t think of anything I could do to make him feel better. I didn’t want to feel this way, I didn’t want to be here.
I thought back to that day in the lab at Georgetown when Niklas introduced himself. Even though this was not remotely his fault, it was amazing to me how a string of decisions concerning him had managed to land me here. This experiment of allowing myself to develop feelings for someone had officially gone off the rails. I wished myself back to DC for a new try. Unfortunately, life is not a scientific experiment.
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