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| Daniel |
“OK?”, she repeated, louder.
“OK”, I said quietly.
It was tough to see Kimmy go. Last night, she didn’t want to be at the afterparty and had asked me to go to her room with her. She had cried for a little while as we had hugged.
“Are you OK?”, I had asked.
“I’m OK”, she had answered, but I felt like she didn’t believe what she was saying. I knew it was her dream to shine on that stage on Saturday.
“I’ll get there some other way”, she had added.
After about 30 minutes of us talking in her hotel room she had given me this big hug, thanking me for being there for her these days.
“This trip was already worth it when I met you at the airport. If nothing else comes of this, I’ll still have felt like it was the opportunity of a lifetime.”
I had smiled.
“Same.”
“Now get out so I can get Matt to fuck me one more time before I have to go back home.”
We had laughed.
And now she was standing in the lobby with her suitcase and her keyboard. About to go on that shuttle to the airport. Greg was there as well, but he just waved me goodbye.
“We’re going to record ‘You Deserve This’ together, OK?”, I told her, “I wrote that song for you.”
She smiled and hugged me again.
“Thanks so much.”
She also said goodbye to Matt with a passionate kiss. Matt and I waved the shuttle goodbye. It was a lot to process. I had to mentally prepare myself for tonight. I went up to my room and played ‘A Fantasy of More’ a few times. I tried to think back to how it felt that night at the open mic that Frank saw me play. I remembered visualizing myself in my room, with no-one around, which had relieved quite some tension and pressure. That’s what I needed to do again, tonight. No audience, no judges. Just me.
Daniel was texting me all throughout the morning. He asked if I was OK and that he missed me.
‘Can I get a quick smooch before you’re off to the theatre?’
I smiled.
‘All right then, but only a smooch.’
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| Daniel |
“What’s going on?”, Daniel asked.
“I am nervous”, I told him.
“What about?”
At first I scoffed, but it was a good question.
“The singing? The music? The result?”, he added.
I tried to think what exactly was making me nervous. We sat down at the foot of the bed.
“I… I just haven’t been doing this for very long.”
Before I knew it, all my insecurities came out. Daniel attentively listened to me. I talked about how I didn’t audition, but I was found at an open mic night only a few weeks ago. About how my rehearsal had gone. About how experienced and professional everyone was and how they all seemed dead set on their breakthrough as performers and I… I just didn’t believe I belonged here. What if I was so bad that it was obvious? What if I was scouted so that they would have someone who was so bad that it would be funny for viewers?
Daniel caressed my arm all throughout my rambling. When I finally stopped, he raised his eyebrows.
“Is that it? Or is there more?”
“I kind of feel even more pressure now that I met you. I want to stay here with you until the end.”
Daniel smiled.
“I like that. I want you to stay here too.”
He kissed me.
“C’mon, lay down.”
Daniel gestured for me to lay down on the bed with him. We each laid on our sides. I looked at his beautiful face. He smiled as he let his hand go through my short hair. I felt a little embarrassed that I had just told him all of this. I definitely didn’t want to come across as someone insecure about his abilities, or someone who needed constant affirmation.
“You’re scared”, he finally said. “And that’s OK. It is scary. You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself though.”
I nodded. He was right.
“I… I just want to say that…”, Daniel started, but he got a little choked up. “Your Dad… he’s proud of you”, he said as he held my hand tight. “He’s already so proud that you got here. And you should be proud as well. Proud of your writing. And proud of your performing abilities. Other people’s opinions are just that, opinions. And you need to take back control of this situation and make it about you. Because you are awesome. And being awesome got you here.”
I kissed Daniel. What he said meant so much to me. We cuddled and I felt myself relaxing. The longer I felt his arms around me, the better I felt.
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| Daniel |
“Hey”, his voice croaked as he saw me.
“I have to go”, I said.
“You are going to kick ass”, he smiled.
“I… I am”, I said decisively. It felt good.
Daniel looked at me. I had to kiss him. I quickly got my guitar and left Daniel to wake up in my room.
I found my way to the artists’ entrance that Frank had shown me the day before. Matt was the first person I saw.
“Hey, you OK?”, he asked me.
“Yeah”, I nodded. “You?”
“I’m good”, he smiled.
We had both said goodbye to a buddy that morning, even though Matt’s relationship with Kimmy had been physical. Either way, it was quite the rollercoaster to then have to perform later that same day.
All ten performers got to perform once during this runthrough rehearsal. Frank gave me some last pointers about the cameras and my posture on the stool. I heard the other 9 songs for the first time but really only paid attention to Matt’s song. There was something magical about it. I got goosebumps.
The other songs and performances seemed solid to me. Everyone was good. But I had decided that it didn’t really matter. I was performing in slot number 6 and that was all I was going to care about. There were going to be performances around me and a result at the end, but that wasn’t what I was here for. I smiled as I realized Daniel’s advice was helping me focus.
The ten of us had dinner together backstage. Matt sat next to me.
“Kimmy said that your song was emotional”, he said, “but… it was… a lot. You are amazing.”
I smiled.
“Thanks so much”, I said. “Your song gave me goosebumps.”
He thanked me and said that our songs sort of have the same subject matter, just about missing a different kind of love. He had a point. Even though I got to know a few other people at the table, I mainly spoke to Matt.
Soon we were told that people were starting to enter the theatre. I thought of Daniel. He had sent me a text.
‘Being awesome got you here. Be proud.’
I got the biggest smile on my face.
‘Thanks. I am.’
I realized Daniel hadn’t heard me play ‘A Fantasy of More’ yet and tonight was going to be the first time. I was going to make sure to do my absolute best. For him. For myself. And no-one else.
Nine of us sat on sofas backstage where we could watch a direct feed of John Walz. I felt like these introductions were getting shorter and shorter. Ann, who was performing first, was already appearing on the TV screen within a minute. And the second she started, Matt was told to make his way towards the stage as he performed second.
Ann did a phenomenal job and returned backstage in the middle of Matt’s performance. People clapped for her and I joined, still keeping an eye on Matt, who did so well. As Stephanie performed, Matt came backstage and people again applauded. He gave me a big hug.
“It’s still so awesome to stand up there even though the room is practically empty. Daniel is in the first row”, he said.
I smiled.
I told Matt I needed the restroom, but I sat down in the dressing room with my guitar.
“Being awesome got me here”, I whispered to myself.
I played ‘A Fantasy of More’ without singing it. I hummed to myself a little. Being by myself was helping me focus. Until a stage hand came to find me.
I passed the backstage area where everyone was.
“You got this!”, Matt told me.
“I do. I got this”, I mumbled.
I was taken right off-stage where I saw Sheryl give it her all. She was a tiny woman but her voice was big. The few dozen people that were there made quite some noise once she finished.
“That was the song ‘Girls’ Night’ by Sheryl Jacobs from Montana!” John kept the crowd applauding.
Sheryl passed me.
“Well done!”, I said.
“I know”, she said sassily.
I laughed.
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| Adam |
I felt my heart speed up, so I took a deep breath before I walked on as a stage hand literally pushed me the second I heard my name. Even though I had just stood here a few hours ago, it was different. The lights were brighter, the stage was bigger. There was applause. The conductor just stood off to the side, and the entire orchestra continued to sit there, knowing they would just have to wait this performance out.
I sat down on the stool. I adjusted the strap on my shoulder. I looked out and saw Daniel and Frank on the first row. They were sitting together. I smiled. I closed my eyes and took one more deep breath as the applause died down. I tried to imagine myself in my room back in Smithfield like I had done for the open mic in Providence, but it felt too far away.
I opened my eyes again and saw Daniel. I was going to play this for Daniel. Only he mattered. Before I knew it, I was playing the first note. I sang the first line.
“Telling you goodbye
Though I couldn’t cry
It hurt me deep inside…”
While singing, I realized that I could likely be saying goodbye to Daniel tomorrow morning. It was like the song was now about him. I noticed cameras moving in front of me but I didn’t care. I was only looking at Daniel. And he was looking at me. I wasn’t really registering how it was going, I just sang the song with more emotion than I could ever recall.
“We both know we won’t see
The way it was before
That’s why it will always be…
A fantasy of more”
I suddenly realized I was playing the last note. It was over. Daniel cried. He started applauding and stood up. Frank stood up and clapped. I noticed other people standing. I choked back tears.
“Th-thanks”, I said into the mic.
“That was Adam Potter from Rhode Island playing ‘A Fantasy of More’!”, John said.
I realized I had to get off the stool and walk backstage. I waved back one more time. I ran into Grant who was to perform next.
“Dude… That was next level.” he said with his Louisiana accent.
He hugged me.
“You got this”, I told him.
“Thanks”, he said, clearly making an effort to get himself together.
I’m pretty sure I had blacked out on stage. I didn’t remember how it had gone at all. I just remember thinking Daniel was the only person in the room and that he could become my next ‘fantasy of more’. But judging by the reaction it had gone well. I walked backstage, determined to ask Matt for an honest answer about how I did.
The second I walked in the backstage area, Matt wrapped his arms around me and picked me up. The other performers applauded. I laughed so hard. Matt put me down and hugged me.
“That was sensational”, he said in my ear, feeling his heavy breathing. “You’re a star.”
As we watched Grant perform, I told Matt I had very little recollection of being on stage.
“I just remember being emotional”, I chuckled.
“Well, that translated”, he said.
Matt told me everyone backstage felt like their breath was taken away. They had watched me in silence, not noticing Sheryl’s return to the backstage area. He said that my simple, delicate song had stood out in between all of the big voices. I wanted to know if my voice didn’t break at any point and he told me no. I decided not to ask any more questions and to just watch the others.
I watched Grant smile into a camera and realized I hadn’t done that at all. But clearly it hadn’t mattered, the song had connected to people watching on a screen. So even if this was going to be the only video of my performance to appear on the show’s YouTube, it made an impact on some. I was proud. I had done well. It didn’t matter what the judges thought. I was satisfied with my performance.
So when all ten performances were done and we all had to return to the stage, I felt calm. Matt squeezed my shoulder right before we had to stand in performance order, so we couldn’t stand next to each other. I was hoping he would make it. He deserved it.
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| Daniel |
“Song number 1, ‘Party with a Stranger’. Ann Jamison for North Carolina!”
I smiled and applauded. I was so happy for Ann, she had done an incredible job. John interviewed her. I was looking at Daniel who looked very tense. He noticed I was looking at him and his smile wasn’t like usual. He really wanted me to stay here, of course. But I had loved this adventure so much. All of these people had worked for years to get here and I got to have this experience as a complete new performer. Everything was good and positive. I winked at Daniel. He smiled back, but I could still tell his nervousness.
Ann pulled the number 6 from a bowl and showed it to the cameras. I suddenly felt Grant shake next to me. His big muscular body suddenly seemed so vulnerable. I put my hand on his back and he looked at me. He was so nervous. I smiled at him and he smiled back but quickly looked down at the floor, continuing to shake like a leaf. I looked at Sheryl on my right and she had her eyes closed. John had started talking again, but I was looking up to the balconies and the ceiling of the theatre. After not really remembering the biggest performance of my life so far, I wanted to take in everything else around me.
“Song number 6, ‘A Fantasy of More’! Adam Po…”
I didn’t hear the rest. I saw Daniel jump up out of his seat and cheer. Grant turned toward me for a hug, but I just let my body be pulled in without reciprocating. I was numb.
“What…”, I uttered.
Grant pushed me towards John and I slowly walked towards him. John shook my hand to congratulate me. He asked me for my first reaction to being on a national TV show in two days.
“I am honored, I… I did not expect it at all. It just means a lot.”
John asked me how I got into singing and songwriting, so I told the story about my Dad. He asked me what my song was about, so I told him that. And then I had to pick a number from the bowl. There were only 5 pieces of paper left. I took out one, opened it and saw the number 8, which I then had to show the cameras. John gestured for me to stand next to Ann. She grabbed my wrist and squeezed it. I looked at her, she was so excited. Maybe only then did I realize what was happening and I smiled. I clenched my fist. I did it. I fucking did it.
John started talking again. I found Daniel in the audience. I thought he was looking at me, but he was clearly looking at John.
“I won’t drag this out, I promise”, John said.
“Our final song tonight that we will hear live on Saturday is… song number… 2! ‘Daydreams’ by Matthew Moore from Tennessee!”
I gasped. I had totally forgotten about Matt. I saw him cheer and I did as well. I was so happy. I looked at Daniel and he was clearly over the moon, standing in the audience clapping before wiping away a tear.
“You seem happier for Matt than for yourself”, Ann whispered.
I laughed. She was right. It was a lot to take in, but I was only slowly realizing what had happened and this night could not have gone better.
Matt and I joined the afterparty and Daniel came running up to us for a group hug. He kissed Matt on the cheek and me on the mouth and we proceeded to get nice and drunk.
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